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[Oct. 26th, 2005|03:05 pm] |
so its time for some kind of talk...
wow... that really kinds of sums it up. this month has been a very very interesting, high and low month. i dont know if i have ever expierenced such a thing before. i feel like... i dont know... its soooo freakin weird. for the past... i would say... 3 years? maybe even longer, something has been wrong. i mean if you want to look back at past writings and or if i ever talked to anyone about anything serious... it was always kind of negative. and i always felt depressed, i mean i even thought there was something wrong with me and so i go to the doctor and there is... but it was something physical. i guess i kind of new it was something emotional. and one thing i now have realized is that it was not having or having a girlfriend. i have had a few in the past 3 years but it seems i still wasnt happy. they could try their best to make me happy and for the life of me, i tried my hardest to show them my grattitude. but on the inside... sadly... i was going through this thing... whatever you want to call it. as if there was this huge weight that was straight on my back and it went with me everywhere... work, school, relationships... and i couldnt get rid of it. well.... i hesitate to say this but i think that wieght has finally gone. i think i have found myself again... somehow through the darkness that was my life, someone found me and brought me into the light. i mean really... i see so clearly now. i dont know exaclty when i fell into this tailspin, my guess would be soemtime in highschool... but the last 5 days or so have been some of my happiest, stressless days of my life. i have a whole different attitude torwards things. im actually.... happy? shhh.... i cant say it too loud for fear that saying this any higher than a whisper might make it vanish as if it were some kind of dream. i just cant explain it... its nice to feel like this though... i almost forgot how this felt. who knew that all i was missing was...GOD! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 12th, 2005|12:25 am] |
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so i cant sleep.... todaqy has been a long and frustrating day. i mean i dont know what to say or do anymore. i guess i just dont get it. today, for the first time in a long time i was irrate,livid,mad and or any other word you could substitute for those... i mean honestly.... i hadnt been this mad in a long time. though roght now i am as calm as i have been today, im actually kind of relaxed... almost as if i took some kind of drug to calm me down. i guess there really isnt any point of this.... its just a waste of time. as i have been telling people recently... life keeps moving with... or without you. i just wish it was easier to stay on the ride instead of falling off! im tired.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 19th, 2005|01:14 pm] |
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wow, i havent updated or written in this for a long long time. well, i guess if you call a couple of months a long time... so a lot has happened in these past few months... some good... some bad but what can you do. you win some and you lose some. i guess the reason why im writing in here is because i feel like getting stuff off my chest and sadly i really dont have anyone to turn to. i feel lost right now. like im just going through the mostions of being a human being but there is no feeling behind the motions. the weird thing is... i have felt this way before, but then it goes away. i dont know if its a state of depression or what but i dont know. im just not happy right now and i dont really know if anyone could really do anything about it. i guess it is really up to me myself to be happy but what do you do when you have no control over your own state of happiness? i want to get away... from this place... both physically and mentally. the sad thing is though... i think im stuck here. and i think thats what is getting me down the most. i am the type of guy who likes starting over. that in any situation, if something is going badly... i want to start a new... fresh... take it from the top! but i think maybe that time has past and all thats left is what i see before my very eyes. i cant just go off... what would i do? where would i go? my life is not like a movie where i can go off and "find myself" with people watching, wondering what will happen next and by the end there is a happy ever after theme. i know i am a lucky guy, there are billions of people who have it wost off than i do. but i guess at this point in time i need to worry about myself because if i dont... i dont know if im going to make it. no im not thinking anything crazy, i have a better head on my shoulders than that... i just wish i could just go, i dont know where or for how long... but to just get away from what i have here. i have made many many mistakes growing up and i dont want to make any more. i dont know if i want to stay in the restrant business anymore. what if i want to act? or teach? or coach? or do soemthing else that would be concidered productive? i just dont know what to do and how to go about doing it! i am just really lost right now with who i am.... *sigh* |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 23rd, 2005|02:13 pm] |
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so i found out last night that if you take 4 sleeping pills instead of just the 2 that your suppose to take... it doesnt make you go to sleep any faster and when you wake up... you feel like you have been medicated for 3 days! thank God i dont have to work today... i really feel like being lazy! |
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[Jun. 22nd, 2005|12:21 am] |
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so today i was offered a job.... as soon as i get my AA... i would be offered a manager job for outback steak house in california! decisions... decisions... |
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[Jun. 21st, 2005|01:44 am] |
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wow.... for some reason i got really really pissed tonight. just something came over me where i got really mad. i sit here i and i couldnt even tell you what or who i was mad at. weird.... |
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[Jun. 19th, 2005|02:16 am] |
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *me screaming in frustration!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* so i cant sleep.... again! i have had more sleepless/restless nights this past week than i have had in my life! just way too much going on in my head... but seriously... this is rediculous! honestly... im even taking tylenol pm, no thats not working either. so dumb... so so very dumb! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 19th, 2005|12:40 am] |
so work went really well tonight.... i dont know what it is but the last 2 nights have gone really well for me, with both my tables and the people i work with. its weird... like something has changed there. tonight, my last table thought i was 39!!!!! AHAHHAAHAHAh... are you kidding me? i mean really.... that hurts. maybe i need to go with the baby face for a bit... it was a mom and her daughter and a guy and the mom definitly was hitting on me until she realized i was as old as her daughter.... yikes! then they were trying to get me to come meet one the daughters friends.... thats a negative on that one. so i played along as the guy ordered every tea we had! but they tipped me really well so its all good.
tonight i dont have one complaint, i got tipped really well on all my tables! now i get to host all day tomorrow!!! fun stuff...
i feel weird... cant really put my finger on it |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 17th, 2005|08:39 am] |
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just remember to do what will make you happy. happiness is key to life and if you dont go do the things that make you happy.... then whats the point of living. seize the day and dont let today become a regretful tomorrow. i have a feeling this is going to change some things... some things change and then... some dont. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 16th, 2005|12:08 pm] |
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i guess you could say i have been very cynical in my views of certain situations recently... i dont know, i guess i just have "bad" feelings about certain things but i guess what bothers me more than those feelings... is the fact that i think im right, once again. its not hard to figure out people, at least i believe i can... eh, my mind is drawing a blank... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 15th, 2005|09:25 pm] |
i saw this on someone's profile and it made me think....
We're moving forward,
But holding ourselves back,
And we're waiting on something that will never come |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 2nd, 2005|06:12 pm] |
so im back from my 10day vacation... i had alot of fun but i am happy to get back home. as they say, there is nothing like home! there were only 2 things that bothered me on this trip. one was that i hate feeling like a tourist. you know the whole picture taking not knowing where you are going thing? that and... i wish i had a girlfriend. now your probably like... why? well for i would have asked her to come with me on this trip. as i walked the streets and saw the sites to see in san fran, LA/hollywood, and san diego... i kind of got depressed b/c thats a time where i would want to hold my girl's hand as we did the tourist thing. at night when it was cold i could put my arm around her and as i sat there looking out into the ocean on those nights i could keep her warm and share the moment. i guess im just a sentimental type of guy, a hopeless romantic...
but all in all it was a good trip... i did have a little bit of a problem on the last day but i dont want to get into that right now... im just happy to be home |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 23rd, 2005|02:06 am] |
you have shown me your heart and what your all about,
and its because of this i do not doubt...
strange things happen to you when you least expect it... i always look forward to the summer and i never want it to end but ill say this... i wouldnt mind if fall came a little sooner this year. i do have alot on my mind, i hope this vacation will bring me some peace of mind. in my thoughts you have always been... and thats where you'll always be |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 15th, 2005|01:59 pm] |
ok... i just got back from my sister's confirmation and it was really nice... at the end of the mass something happened that through me off. my sister and i go up to get our picture with the Bishop and he asks me, who are you to her? i tell him that i am her brother. he goes, i remember you, i confirmed you a years ago and proceeded to ask me what i was doing now and how it was going. i sat there and i watched just about everyone else get there picture taken as well and no one had a longer conversation with the bishop, infact the bishop was talking to me as i was leaving from the picture. i guess that caught me off gaurd because here is a man who is very important and who has thousands and thousands of people to tend to and yet, he remembered me... just something that made me feel good.
i want to scratch what i wrote earlier. soemthing that i miss from not going to church is the reflection of how your life is going. i havent been to church for months, maybe about 7? today i reflected on where i am on the journey of life. where i have been and where i am going. i think i have fallen off somewhere and i need to get back on. for the first time in a while i feel like i am not missing something. i prayed about some specific things and as i did that, i got the chills and then a sense of peace and calmness hit me. like there was a weight lifted off my shoulders... well its time for family time... life is too short to worry about the dumb things... live life to the fullest and dont live in regret. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 15th, 2005|10:22 am] |
yeah... i think i have a long rant comming... i can feel it. the last time i looked at my clock last night, it was 5am.... and we all know that when i dont sleep, there is soemthing going on in my head. ill go ahead and start now... i wont be able to finish b/c i have to leave soon but i will finish it later.
this is really my own fault. i had this pne comming and honeslty... i am not surprised. it seems to me that nothing surprises me any more, i dont know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. dont worry, i am not mad or upset, yet i am disapointed... which to tell you the truth, i rather be either of the first two... b/c then all i would have to do is rant and get over it and i would be fine. yet like i said before... its my own damn fault... to be continued |
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[May. 12th, 2005|09:24 pm] |
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its weird, i have been a funck the last couple of weeks... but something happened last night. something hit me... i feel like i was a different person the last couple of weeks and i just now put it in prospective. i now realize what was wrong, but its ok now. i dont know how it happened but i know why. its kid of funny how it works, i have no idea what i was thinking. i feel kind of bad now but there is something inside telling me that though tough times are here now, soon the good times will come. i just have a different feeling inside of that i havent felt since..... |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 4th, 2005|02:34 am] |
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you know.... if there is something that bothers me the most.... it is when people lie! i build what i do on trust and i try not to associate myself with people who do such a thing. i have been lied to many many times by friends and girlfriends in the past and i will always remember how it felt and i refuse to make others feel like that. there is a saying out there.... and the truth shall set you free! i try to make things simple and yet why do people around me want to make things so complicated? we live but one life here on earth and i will not waste my time on people who are around just to hold you back. im tired of people saying things that are not true and im tired of people getting into other people's business... my life is an open book, what do you want to know? all you have to do is ask.... and i will tell you... i need a vacation from this place... only 3 weeks until california.... i never thought i would be so excited to spend 2 weeks with my family?! lol |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 24th, 2005|09:24 pm] |
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so i havent done this for awhile and i really dont have too much to say right now... these past 3 weeks have been really really interesting!!! like things happened that i would have never of guessed... just crazy times... i just hope that that time that was on my side, doesnt work against me in the end. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 4th, 2005|10:51 pm] |
so right now i am suuuuupose to be doing school work, though that obviously isnt happening. today was, over-all, a good day. i got my hair cut, had a good time at opening day of the devil rays game though they lost *sigh*, went to fergs and had a good time there too, then got picked up and went to starbucks with 2 good friends and had... you guessed it... a good time! so good times!!!!
you know, i am a very competitive person. i dont like losing, infact the word losing would be an understatement... i HATE losing. there is nothing worse i dont think.
i have a headache, can you really get a hang over after only about 2 hours since one has been drinking? i dont know... but i just took 3 advil so i should be good to go soon.
i worry too much, i think too much, i stress too much... it'll be a miracle if i live past 24... though i hope im wrong on that one...
i hope i have more days like this ahead of me :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 3rd, 2005|10:57 pm] |
i once dreamed a dream, but now that dream has left me....
i see says the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw...
hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things and no good thing ever dies...
hope is a dangerous thing, hope can drive a man crazy...
its the life we choose...
a fool my friends... a fool |
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